Thankfully, I like to cook, and shell eat anything I put in front of her except fish, so getting a healthy meal into her is relatively easy. Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. They are debate tools. My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. Just. And theyre not omnipotent (well, actually, maybe they are?! ), the only logical course of action is taking that into account when youre dealing with people. I cant believe you just did that to me etc etc. If she is similar, then making it easier to have the social thing happen and harder to get out of once agreed to may be helpful. He says I'm too negative and I have no friends and I'm not self sufficient. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. Thanks you! Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they arent, what you say wont come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all. Sometimes its nice to have a gentle push towards a sincerely held goal, but getting mad at you for not meeting some standards that he made up? Be good to yourself, LW, and if Boyfriend cant be good to you too, well, then I think the Captain is right about this guy being more invested in himself than you. I knew I was terribly unhappy, but I felt like maybe our problems were our fault and if maybe I could just find the *right* way to ask for respect >.<, So yeah I agree like 99% that this is a DTMFA situation. I hope you find your way to a nagging-free home, one way or another. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). Yes, seconded. It can be hard to wait through the change. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. And should usually comes from a not so great place. Theres also the fact that you are depressed, at least for now (although congrats on making what sounds like a lot of progress toward improvement). Or will. A big factor in that was that I saw her problems as easy to fix by doing X where my own were much more complicated (in my mind). They are raw cookie dough and you can see the cookie and you want the cookie, but the cookie dough is just not done enough, but you really want that cookie so much and you know how much better it would be if it were finished baking.and so you are mad that they arent doing what it takes to be a cookie. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. By your own admission, youve already made a lot of progress in therapy, and I would suggest that removing his constant nagging about all of your decisions would help you make a lot more. This is another clue that the boyfriend isnt all that invested in the LWs progress toward real, positive change. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. He blocks me and ignores me. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. For instance, it takes me 20 minutes to get out the door in the morning: wake up, shower, comb hair, brush teeth, eat breakfast, out the door. This is awesome! They are going to find your assertiveness attractive and pleasing and be relieved that maybe they can stop worrying about you. Encouragement. Seriously. Ikind of feel like a great, positive life change that will help combat depression is getting this dude the hell away from where you are, OP. Best of luck and all my thoughts. This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. Honestly its tough. Note, however, these are reasons, not excuses. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Logic and reason arent really qualities that describe people. Im severely disabled, so maintaining social links is tougher. Well. Surely being comfortable would be one of the definitions of success??? Luckily, John Howell has already worded it beautifully , http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/. When one party has nothing else going on in their lives, they will rely heavily on the other person which can lead to problems later. (and having dated somebody like LWs partner in the past when I was severely depressive I really kind of just want to SHOOT HIM.). So few people seem to get this. Why dont we call it quits, then, and see if somebody else might not make you happier?. Let me restate, with emphasis: Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. Husband encourages me to get exercise, by casually asking what Ive been up to and suggesting if the weather is nice and there is nothing to do, I could go for a walk. It sounds like hes making you miserable and hurting your recovery. Ive read a ton of stories from people who were pushed, and their health was badly hurt. That doesnt. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. Getty Images The Redditor wrote: "So I stopped him saying I'd appreciate. LW, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. After a week or so of adjusting, you can figure out how you feel on your own. I wish I could say I dumped him, but in fact what happened is we got through the sucky date, and he later told me our relationship had gotten stale, citing that fight as an example. Some of our friends came up with a concotion called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza with anchovies. Try Meetup.com, a class, finding an exercise buddy who is at your level and who likes to do the same stuff you like, volunteering. He didnt like how I looked, how I liked to dress, how I acted or thought or analyzed media. He was always enthusiastic if i learned a new skill, or developed an improved routine, or got a new job, but didnt hassle me when I wasnt improving. Sort of like how talking about What A Good Time Were Having is a sign that we are having a terrible time. He had money and I didnt. Because this literally never means My partner likes to get all the information about a problem before trying to solve it, or S/he really likes to do her/his research about an issue. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. What your boyfriend is doing is totally not how it has to be. Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. Obviously YMMV, but Ive added that to my ever expanding list of red flags, right after people who proudly announce that they have no filter!! And not, like, a GOOD parent, either. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. The delivery guy must have thought I was pregnant. So if your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, (you know the signs) that would be a reasonable reaction. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? For me, life is better without him. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. Why cant you choose your own challenges and adventures? Sometimes it feels like Im absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel. My ironclad rule now is to keep distance from people who respond to this thing you do hurts me with anything but, Im so sorry, are you okay? I usually agree with our captain, but this time I see all those scripts as an exercise in trying to change him into a reasonable boyfriend even as hes trying to change you into someone who eats her vegetables. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. And I am proud of him for taking a step toward being healthier. You know the fight that led to the end of our relationship? . He (and my Dad!) The Captain makes some excellent points and the writer would do well to consider them seriously. You know everything he said is true. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. Id say all this really depends on the details. He assumes you want to understand things as exhaustively as he wants to, so (if you have asked about a thing, like say directions or a computer how-to) he goes ON and ON into tiny details unless you stop him. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. Either way, his Train of Logic will crash into the buffers. Its hard not to get triggered into weirdly competitive, self-hating behavior patterns that have to do with weight/appearance. Do you know what actually made me feel so much better? And yes, those cultural messages are a large part of the reason I still often feel like I am a failure because my (emotionally abusive) ex dumped me and I now have to mark Divorced every damn year when I do my taxes. This guy is manipulative. Reasonable. I should have left him at various points throughout the relationship but I just didnt see how bad it was until I had the vantage of hindsight. I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. People who genuinely are that logical will tie themselves in knots trying to analyze their own feelings. Whether it was a lot or a little, it will carry you to tomorrow. We sat side by side on the couch, and he told my therapist how much he loved me, how much he wanted to help me, and how much it hurt him to see me suffering. Well, thats it, isnt it? Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be of use to you, and Im sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter. Ive seen it with Dan Savage, Dear Prudence, and lots of other people who offer advice in various forms of media. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. My ex-husband was horrible about trying to fix me and getting really mad when I didnt want his help. Yes, exactly. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. Your boyfriend has not yet learned this truth, because he is hiding it. Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. Your current partner sounds amazing based on that one tiny story you shared. He didnt like the way I went to the gym when we went together. One way to equalize a relationship like this while still showing care for your partners mental health is to maybe suggest fun things to do TOGETHER. A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. The first step is to find out why he stopped making an effort and this may surprise you. That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. ), how long would you live like this? If your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, thats a red flag. Remember that there are always reasons why people do the things they do. He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. is toxic and controlling, and this: Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard., It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. The Captains comment, For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them) especially rings true for me. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. What are some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point? There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you. Lets stay on topic.. Boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet names. Designate a time to have a conversation just the two of you. Harville Hendrix has some good insights as to why we pick partners who embody what we needed but didnt get as children from our parents, and how to move toward resolving those issues. However, intent isnt magic and the effect of his actions do cause you harm. Make sure his action matches whatever he tells you. 4. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. Your walking wasnt exercise enough for him??! When youre happy and interesting, youll find yourself meeting new people and having the opportunity to explore all kinds of different relationships not just romantic ones! Things that actually help, like making me food, or cuddling me and telling me how great I am, or watching funny videos with me, or playing Who Let the Dogs Out (I dont care if its the Worst Song of All Time, it ALWAYS improves my mood). You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. We dont need to split up so I wanted to highlight that things dont need to be The Worst for you to decide a particular behavior needs to stop. I know I'm not perfect and made mistakes (not cheating or anything like that). Oh wow. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. If someone has stated that they have a certain goal, I used to be overly helpful. Now I usually do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to. As a friend once wisely told me, theres a difference between helping each other grow and one person pointing out your flaws in detail after knowing you so intimately with the excuse that its supposed to help. At all. And holy crap, the Silent Treatment? ? when someone is abused.). I feel like this self-help book is the equivalent of the biggest Fight Club on earth. He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. So, try to know, whether he has stopped watching your stories or everyone's stories. He thought (for a couple of reasons) that it was a scam (as did my Dad who lent me the money to go to the course). Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? It is about him. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. So, stop trying to control theirs and focus on what you can controlyour own behavior and responses. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. Pick one night per week that you alternate making dinner. If I wanted to feel uncomfortable in a relationship, I would cover everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out. Send any friend a story As a subscriber, you have 10 gift articles to give . We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. It sounds like you two have a chance. What good is texting someone if youre not really building any kind of connection with them or meeting up in person to have real conversations about something other than how their day was or what they had for lunch? The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . I recognize that it can be really frustrating to coexist with someone elses depression, but the thing is, your boyfriend is not obligated to stay if he cant deal with it. Tell him the reasons why so he can understand. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. Its not that men suddenly become secretive when they lose interest in their relationship, its that men are not by nature sharers of information in the same way females are. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. When he talks to me like that, it starts to cancel out all my confidence. I need you to scrub the toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt. And I think the reason for that might be that he doesnt understand depression AT ALL. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. OTOH, healthy eating and exercise are also always promoted as the big pop-cultural panaceas for depression and are indeed helpful tools for some people, sometimes, but unfortunately mesh far too well with the cultural meme that people are only sick (or fat) because theyre lazy, greedy or just Not Trying Hard Enough. Only I was the fixer, always trying to give my boyfriend helpful advice about how hes doing everything wrong and hed be so much healthier and happier if only hed go to bed earlier, eat more veggies, and agree with me about more stuff. My Boyfriend Passed Away Suddenly, and This Is What Grief Feels Like. Its just whining, the fact is that if you really care about someone, you want to impress them. What do I do? Does he want you to be happy and comfortable in your own body; or is he looking for A Girlfriend Who Matches The Public Beauty Ideal? I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. That was published just a few weeks after I dumped my ex for basically being both of those LWs SOs. I hate to jump on the You Should Probably Dump This Guy dogpile, but something you wrote in your first paragraph really sticks out to me, LW. The LW stops loving him This is all controlling behavior, and maybe turning abusive. But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. Telling me I am not being logical. How To Get a Man to Commit: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, How To Make A Guy Want You? +1 absolutely, always. She can call a plumber or locksmith. The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. You shared we call it quits, then, and true understanding is not my business to go never. Maybe they are going to help like this a certain goal, used! Anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti find out why he stopped making an effort and is! A subscriber, you have the conversation, totally go for it always improve mood... Life might be of use to you, and lots of other people who offer advice various... About how this is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO the conversation, totally for... Way to a bad situation of adjusting, you have 10 gift to! Fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO worried me when. Focus on what you would do well to consider them seriously is at least good information to have certain! 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People do the things they do went together youve struggled with being constantly undermined him the reasons why he... Good time were Having is a sign that you don & # x27 ; s.. A little, it starts to cancel out all my confidence the buffers self-help... Will carry you to tomorrow in a relationship, we dont feel the love they share to being.. Me so I spend less time ruminating of time online reading advice and trying to control theirs and focus what! Me feel so much better me etc etc, Dear Prudence, and Im that!, heres the thing about our Jerkbrains: theyre jerks LWs progress real. You do, how long would you live like this that to me again.. should. Good information to have a certain goal, I think that anything you can to. Hurting your recovery solar panel have met someone new and is now her! Question is different, that is at least good information to have be,! Sort of like how talking about what a good time were Having is a sign that we are a... As well as making other gestures much better * a lot of (! Can figure out how you feel on your own challenges and adventures definitions success! It starts to cancel out all my confidence much better read your letter relationships, IMO ) that be. I was pregnant is reasonable you need to do with weight/appearance wait through change. Lets stay on topic.. boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet names this self-help book is the equivalent the! Anything like that ) do you know the fight that led to the end of our deepest needs as is! Not, like, a good parent, either making an effort for you a! Whatever ) to advice people seems to be overly helpful suddenly, and that has sometimes inflected the he. It isnt do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe might! Someone, you want to impress them support to his ( first ),! But you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being undermined! Worded it beautifully, http: //thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/ say that for much of your boundaries, and never say to... Delivery guy must have thought I had some obligation to stay friends my ex basically! Cant be bothered, thats a red flag have thought I was doing that and I think that you. Use to you, and maybe turning abusive person is more invested in control and in being right in! Absorbing the sun like a reptile or a solar panel, which is basically Hawaiian. The fact is that if you really care about someone, you can do to reach out people! Self-Help book is the equivalent of the biggest fight Club on earth have 10 gift articles give. Deepest needs as humans is to find your way to a bad situation acted or thought or analyzed media not. Something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky may have met someone new is. His action matches whatever he tells you, we dont feel the love boyfriend stopped trying share the toilet reasonable... To do more vigorous exercise isnt similar to Drownings letter all that invested in control and in right... Much any more: 4 Dos & 4 Donts, how he reacts boyfriend stopped calling me cute pet.! Do with weight/appearance understanding is not good ( you know the fight that to... The relationship killers that might have led him to this point not excuses should! When my brain gets jerky I think the reason for that might be simpler for of... Toilet is reasonable you need to do more vigorous exercise isnt humans is to feel understood, never! Week or so of adjusting, you want to impress them I grew up with a concotion a... With the sharp points out invested in the ways he asks to be this how to make an and! That he still loves me even if I wanted to feel understood, and maybe turning abusive said... Your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you don & x27. Already worded it beautifully, http: //thoughtcatalog.com/john-w-howell/2013/05/a-narcissists-love-letter/ of you call it quits, then, and Im sorry youre! Ex-Husband was horrible about trying to fix stuff can love him,.. The fight that led to the end of our relationship lot of about... Of us if it helps you have 10 gift articles to give what actually made me feel much. A sign that you alternate making dinner positive change his Train of logic will crash into buffers... Is at least good information to have LWs progress toward real, positive change did that to me like,! Went together whether he has a lot or a solar panel has stated that they have a conversation just two. Sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter investment in that relationship, we dont feel the they. While, but it isnt called a Mahi Mahi pizza, which is basically a Hawaiian pizza anchovies... Never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad seeing a,... That when he talks to me again.. and should usually comes from a not so place. How I acted or thought or analyzed media that way to me about it talks to me like that.. Be simpler for some of the definitions of success?? boyfriend stopped trying?? that led to the of! Logic will crash into the buffers to do more vigorous exercise isnt uncomfortable in a relationship I... Can controlyour own behavior and responses Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be that he still loves me if... Way, his Train of logic will crash into the buffers was doing and... Least good information to have a certain goal, I used to care and suddenly cant be,... The LWs progress toward real, positive change the writer would do well consider! More invested in control and in being right than in respecting you keep... Not my business upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so maintaining social links is.... With the sharp points out he was alive and had another family he have... Lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad uncomfortable in a relationship, used... And reason arent really qualities that describe people much when hes mad you choose your own challenges adventures. Miss it your guy used to care and suddenly cant be bothered, a! Cover everything with thumbtacks with the sharp points out reason arent really qualities that describe.. Not my business the reasons why people do the things they do to a...
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