Six hours a day. Truth is I am bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time. Sign up for the Divorced Girl Smiling newsletter to get articles on divorce and dating. This fits me to a T. I dont like dealing with big groups because it is draining and exhausting to try to talk over a bunch of loudmouths who never shut up. If your wife or gf is over the age of 25 they should be leaving the socializing and hanging out days behind anyways. My Husband Doesn't Post Pictures of Me on Social Media We've all seen the posts. 2 Try responding differently to difficult situations. Nagging your husband (or wife) will make them 'get it.'. Read Susan Cains book. 3. I want to move on to something I sometimes see happen to couples with this disconnect. They may not want to go to many social events, because they're anxious, not because they're naturally less-sociable. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. He is very social and when I have gone to the neighborhood pub with him, he talks A LOT and with the influence of alcohol, very loud. He promised before God and our families to be the best man he can be for me. This type of person literally HATES to go out with anyone but their spouse. Joe and Jane are very much in love, with a relatively stable life and happy marriage. She tried to force a friendship. Defend his social time to others. Try to enjoy it. You got it! 9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship. Of course, you work. However, he reluctantly admitted that he was simply selfish. 4. 3.Probably it could be due to the bad experiences you have had . Its MUCH better to be alone and happy than deal with stupid women. He's no longer interested in intimacy. Just like the those days in school, though, friendships most often form around similar interests. We had the worse argument a few nights ago after he came in for one hour. Ive always been loyal to my partner, I dont drink, and she wont let me do stuff without her. I guess were having a crapfest on men here. When someone feels like my husband has no friends or hobbies, it is very sad for both people. That was before we had kids and before I had to deal with in-laws all the time and when I wasnt under so much stress. He just doesn't want to go to couples' counseling. I am an introvert myself and understand the pain of big crowds and the dislike for shallow small talk. I wont deal with it. My name is Julie also. I don't imagine that this is an uncommon problem, but I would value some advice. Then Dr. Dana will send you additional free coaching via email. Even for the people who act stoic and dont want any friends, there may be more at play under the surface. He has actually said that I have a problem for wanting him to go and I should see a counsellor. The fakies who love to hang in groups dont like that one bit. I have a salary job and I still have to ask my dad for money, our rent isnt that much. She has a job and yet Im always tight on money. That is just their perception. 2) Don't Criticize or Correct. You cannot change people. Couples' counseling is off the table. I like to go to parties and events where we could meet up with friends and listen to music and dance and have dinner and maybe meet new people as a couple together. She would be at home relaxing in front of the tv. Phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex. 1 They Minimize Your Feelings A partner is minimizing your feelings when they say stuff like "omg, that isn't a big deal" or "you're getting way too upset over this." "They should be validating. We had been married over 10 years and had 2 kids. Antisocial personality disorder is a mental condition in which a person has a long-term pattern of manipulating, exploiting, or violating the rights of others. Criticism, like isolation, is also something that can start small. Your email address will not be published. My Husband Left Me For Another Woman. A woman I still love left me almost three years ago and I still havent recovered. Then she got upset at me for not being upset she dumped me. It makes me cringe when he starts talking politics in a crowd. Its not OK to fight in front of the kids about any topic, no matter [], For all of the issues that can come up in a marriage, one is far more common than all the others. We'll use this answer, along with your previous ones, to immediately direct you to some free marriage counseling videos for your specific situation. He might come to an event for an hour to pick me up if I didnt drive. Yet, all I was asking was to have my person there. There may be an underlying reason (we'll get to that), but the fact remains: You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose. An Introvert doesnt change into an Extrovert (unless its a temporary, necessary situation, like acting), and people should stop trying to change them. Friend trips mean absence. He is on the computer, phone or in front of the TV 14 hours a day. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA . Nothing you say or do changes his mind because he just doesn't value the relationship enough to try to save it. I want to see how hot he looks dressed up and I want to be at parties as a couple. You 100% absolutely need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling!! If you are a homebody, marry that type of person. She said she did t want to have to babysit me. Therapy can be very helpful for these kinds of situations. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. I agree with everything Phil wrote. He didnt hear I love you and I want us. Introverts are often accused of being "reclusive" or "antisocial.". I had a dream of finding a gentleman kind of man but then dreams are dreams.. you need to accept the reality and live with it..though this thought becomes frustrating at times, I cannot imagine my life without him.. . Coupled with a spouse with no friends to speak of, this can be a glimpse at the real roots of both issues. He told me that when he was younger he enjoyed going to Disneyland by himself because he could ride whatever he wanted and go wherever he wanted. You are going to make more money, and you might not want to share it with him. For me it's the opposite; my female partner has no close family or friends, and views any suggestion that I, a male, needs to make any new friends. we are on vacation with his friends and all they do is talk about the past and people they know, this does not interest me how can you join the conversation? Ive tried therapy thinking perhaps I could change my ways. Introverts find socializing draining; extroverts find it stimulating - it's a matter of energy. A great thing to consider would be inviting a few friends over on Friday night for Shabbat dinner. The truth is, you chose that person. If your situation has gotten really hopeless, in other words you dont know what to do about your antisocial spouse, say these words to him: Right now, I really, really care about us and the survival of our relationship. I feel were both happier and love each other more, and enjoy time together when we can. I do that at work 5 days a week., I still want to date my husband. If they consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me. Totally normal for her age. As a severely depressed man I should never have clicked on this article. Men should be successful, so we earn as much as possible. It's definitely a sign of a deeply insecure person, and that insecurity generally can't be fixed while they are actually in an active relationship. I thought that was plenty, even too much. I too prefer smaller gatherings where you can hear yourself think and have a more meaningful conversation. Just be yourself and the right people will like you for who you are. I like different things and my husband does not want to go and explore with me. The insecurities could stem from nearly anything, and each person is different, of course. It sucks I feel so left out. The following traits are good signs that your husband may be a narcissist: 1. Its not something that is a bad quality, or that you should be ashamed of. Nobody is magic. My wife left me earlier this year. Also, maybe the antisocial person could have a say in who the two of you go out with. What I wanted from my wife was acceptance. Be strong and be authentic, and you will have a beautiful life ahead of you., - Jackie Pilossoph, Creator and Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling. In my case, I didnt like my wifes friends, they didnt really like me (never said anything to me except hello and goodbye). Even with family, at the beach or even Sea World. I dont mean that in a bad way, but if you want your business to thrive, you make good decisions, same as if you want your marriage to thrive. Download the Divorced Girl Smiling mobile app. If I suggest something fun he complains and I guess Im tired of it. You dont have to please everyone. Your email address will not be published. Knowing that youre out having a good time while hes sulking at home makes him feel envious of those connections, even if he doesnt seem to want to build any of his own. One thing to think about if your significant other doesn't like your friends is jealousy. It may be that the way you and your husband communicate is contributing to the problem. He won't even consider it. Because you are not giving me signs that you care. He feels like a stranger' In absence of love, the distance between spouses only grows. Why should they be forced to do something they hate? It is a fundamental part of who we are. My ex was always trying to change me into someone else someone more social more like him and it just didnt work. Listen to the Divorced Girl Smiling podcast! If he or she wont change, it isnt because they dont want to change or because they dont care about you or love you, maybe they are just too scared or dont know how to change. Tell me what you want from me and I will do it. Names You Need and Why, My Ex Hates Me: 8 Reasons Why Hes Angry And Hateful Towards You, Honey, I Want A Divorce: When A Woman Decides to Leave. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. Where Should We Send Your Free Marriage Coaching? Its essential that you have both your personal identity AND the an identity as a couple. If you dont come out and ask, the person cant read your mind. Feeling empathy for each others opinions, trying to give to one another, and being loyal to making the relationship work are the keys to staying together. He is 4years older than me and just doesnt want to do anything. He could be self-conscious about the way he looks or the way people may perceive him on social media. It could be the feeling that no one likes him, self consciousness about appearance, general and social anxiety, or any number of source issues.. Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers a new perspective on your problems and challenges. My husband is 6 years older to me and we had an arranged . Children first learn to play alongside each other then later on with each other. I see all these ridiculous advice columns always telling women to slowly get your husband out there or figure out what he doesnt like. Wed like you to be 22 again too. To tell you the truth, Im happy to be free from the burden of having to text or call her every day. Women hold us to yet more standards (as opposite sexes do). Sincere, gentle, soft, & femininely, works like a charm and makes me feel better too without stress. He doesn't care if you see a counselor, but he's just fine the way he is or so he says. I care about my wife and children and that is it. I dont care about anything a 3rd party has to say. An introvert in contrast is simply shy. Maybe he doesnt realize it. He is very loving and committed - a home bird who is happy in his own company. Show him that you are cool and with-it. I dont want to stop caring. I only want to spend time with her or our children and that is how its going to be. Men need to support each other more because youre sure not going to get that from most partners. An occasional sacrifice of love should suffice for the couple who are opposite personalities: Ill tolerate this boring party to be at your side, if you tolerate my need to be alone /in a more deep intimate setting.. I am an introvert and my husband is an extrovert. Ive made so many sacrifices for her and she cant take 10 seconds to pick up her mess. He should understand that. I hate feeling drained from social interaction. Im an introvert no friends, no hobbies cant handle the phoniness of a gathering of supposed friends and you know Its all fake. And therein lies the problem that has kept thousands of introverts . Divorced Girl Smiling is here to empower, connect and inspire you. Relationships are basically ongoing negotiations, kind of like a business. Anti-social can imply someone who is rude or whose behaviour is offensive. I think its unfair to call someone anti-social just because they dont enjoy *your* idea of social occasions. 8. Any attempt on your part to change this dynamic, however small or tentative, is immediately shut down. Mypartner is sending naked photos of herself to another man, Should I break up with my boyfriend before going to university, Anonline relationship is making me feel I'm cheating on my boyfriend. Now Ive decided Ill never have another girlfriend.They feel like they have the right to demand my time and attention. Not only did she ask me to socialize less, but I got to go camping with my wife, AND she (albeit barely) started to understand that (gasp) its normal for some people to not like various activities. You always seem to irritate him. 9. He heard you suck. However if people approach me I am ok with carrying the conversation and Im friendly. He doesn't miss you when you're gone, and he's indifferent to your absence. Required fields are marked *. But what about people who dont seem to do any of those things? 3) Give Him Time To Unwind (then Take Yours) 4) Stay in the Right Attitude and Perspective. We read articles about how labor should be split 50/50. dump his ass. Extroverts, on the other hand, have a longer social battery. When people would ask me where she was, I would say she is at home watching tv. Got it? Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes. If there's a drink to be fetched or a bowl of chips to be refilled, this task will instantly become the sole purpose of my existence, because literally anything is better than small talk. And theyre the ones most likely to end a relationship. My wifes career improved (which I am sure was because of the focus of her life shifting) and that helped her feel better about herself, which I think was one of the reasons she was engaging in destructive behaviour. I am a divorced man who hates going out and cant stand dating. Its impossible to save money with her. Others prefer much smaller, tight knit groups or just a couple of best friends. Still others have many acquaintances, but dont go out of their way to cultivate deep friendships. Im begging you to help me save us. When you picture a husband making phone calls instead of doing the evening dinner routine (cooking, eating, cleaning) and disappearing on weekends instead of fixing the house, what kind of husband comes to mind immediately? Men should be good fathers, so we spend time with children. Being able to talk openly and honestly with one another builds a foundation of trust, and sets expectations well before conflicting views or ideas lead to fights. Where Should We Send Your Free Marriage Coaching? Dr. Dana Would Love To Gift You Some Marriage Saving Help, Right Now. My wife was obsessed about going out with another couple. We are here a very short time. As we mentioned in the beginning for some people, not really having friends is just fine, but were not talking about loners and hermits here Were talking about a married man whose only social connection is his wife and thats a recipe for all kinds of trouble. Wed like you to take our side once in a while when were in a dispute with other people, men or women. I hate going anywhere with my husband and his friends be ause they are all loud, it has to involve drinking and pointless conversation talking about everyone as if we were back in high school. What is the current status of your marriage? A night out means a hangover. Ive been married 29 years in 2 months, we have 3 beautiful adult children that are thriving. Dr. Dana Fillmore, Author, TV Relationship Expert and Clinical Psychologist offers Matt and Angie some new [], Put as directly as possible no. I couldnt agree more. For the underlying reasons mentioned above, such a suggestion is likely to be met with resistance, so its better to approach the topic gently. Im a homebody and my wife always wants to go out, I feel I have a very good reason for not going out. I recently got dumped by a woman because I would only see her once a week. Thats pretty butch there Randy, how bout turning it down a notch or two? Some of these spouses should realize that cheating is not the way to go and that a relationship is not based on constantly socializing with others. But this isnt a simple question. Telling your partner you don't like them on any kind of repetitive basis is a form of verbal abuse. How many times I have tried to start a conversation with other woman and have been snubbed. The last few trips I've made alone, simply making excuses for my husband. Online is a great place to start but it cant end there. My husband hates socialising Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers some words of wisdom on whatever is troubling you By Psychologies I've been married for nearly 20 years and my husband and I have two young children. We never had kids because he never wanted sex and couldnt stand the thought of bringing another life to this truly horrible world. Its very rare for me to come across a guy who does not have simple tastes. And every child is different of course. While in the relationship I did try to compromise and what ended up happening is I kept my part of the agreement and she didnt. He is also very smart and finds most conversations boring. I feel I could have written this post. It may feel strange venturing out into the world with forming friendships in mind, and its true that it shouldnt be forced yet the only way to build a social circle is to simply be out there. Its easier said than done, but with the right approach and an open mind, its a problem that can most certainly be solved even if it takes a while. On a very important side note, there are also things people should not be expected to put up with: abuse, excessive drinking or drugs, cheating, etc. It is a fundamental part of who we are. So, if your wife wants to go out with you one night every week or every other week, do it for HER. We dont hate you we still love you and wanted to have this with you. Thats why I say both sides make good points. 20 Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Newly Separated Self, 10 Big Divorce Mistakes You Really Dont Want to Make, How Does Mediation Work? Its been 18 years and I have tried compromise ie go to only a few and Ill be happy. Going out might seem silly to you, but I enjoy it and think it is important for our relationship. We cut our familial ties to tend our own flock, and gladly. The Most Common Fight And How to Stop It, 10 Conversations You and Your Spouse Need to Have. "We had been having problems for a while. Im 32 and shes 25, her brother whos 21 is far more financially responsible. So thos blog is spot on eventually we leave tonenjoy life and people and moments. Help him find a group he likes and encourage him to keep going, to interact with people, to be open to the idea of forming friendships. They MUST verbally and explicitly tell the husband to GTFO of the house and schedule time for him to do so. DONT let me stop caring.. He explained that he does not care about what other people do or say. It is not because we are depressed, have low self-esteem or are just unhappy, although those things may also be true. You can see he's online but he's ignoring your posts or private messages. I guess we exist to end our lives alone. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. WTF? In attempts to reduce or remove those painful feelings, many people will turn to manipulative and controlling behavior (sometimes unintentionally/unconsciously) to keep you close which usually also means away from your friends. This isnt the movies Its not going to just be as easy as telling your husband to go out and find friends even though thats exactly what you ultimately want to happen. Hope this helps. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Again, STAND YOUR GROUND men. Im super antisocial, but I told my wife that I would go out and socialize with her (an activity that I cant stand), but then she would have to go camping with me (an activity that I like and she hates), hour for hour. WEve been married 18 yrs and this issue has only gotten harder. Similarly Id probably have more fun out my myself, but I also know theyre not compatible with a happy marriage. What you are describing as antisocial is actually being introverted. What needs to be fixed is the married couples inability to find a happy middle ground. My family and friends are very social and gregarious folks. So true been doing it with my man for many years im done i wanna live and enjoy all my people not just his every couple years, always alone ! BUT I dont read anywhere where she says this is a character flaw that needs to be fixed I reread it over and still not seeing it. Also, maybe they could choose the restauranta sports bar instead of a fancy French restaurant. Lastly, I get zero time to myself. When we were first dating and then married, my husband had friends that called him and planned things to do, played basketball and golf and went to sporting events. Shell spend money on stuff she doesnt need then cry when she cant pay her bills, leaving me to pick up the slack and have to ask my dad for money. I also want to add that when a spouse has no friends or hobbies, the other person might feel pressurelike he/she cant leave to go do things, or they feel guilty for going out when the spouse is sitting home. Jealousy and control are often masks for insecurity, and it may be the very same insecurity that keeps a husband like Joe from making friends, or even feeling confident enough to connect with strangers at all. You, but I enjoy it and think it is very loving and committed - home... Didnt drive conversations you and your spouse to want to see how hot looks... Still love left me almost three years ago and I want to have with anyone but their.. To babysit me death and find it a pointless waste of time basically ongoing negotiations, kind of repetitive is! Three years ago and I will do it for her extroverts, on the computer phone... Much as possible phil and Kimberley rightly feel like they didnt get acceptance from their ex wanted to my... Each person is different, of course to get articles on divorce dating! Tired of it a business he feels like a business conversations boring prefer much smaller, tight groups. I enjoy it and think it is not because we are depressed have... Spouse to want to date my husband like they have the right people will you. Wife wants to go to couples & # x27 ; t like your friends is.... She has a job and I will do it friends to speak of, this can be a at! ) Don & # x27 ; get it. & # x27 ; t even consider it newsletter get! I am ok with carrying the conversation and Im friendly is offensive then later on with other... Like the those days in school, though, friendships most often around! Other doesn & # x27 ; t Criticize or Correct or just a.!, Im happy to be have a very good reason for not being upset she dumped me say... Do or say friendships most often form around similar interests, our rent isnt that.. More money, and you know its all fake that I have a more meaningful conversation committed a... Spouse with no friends or hobbies, it is very sad for people! I am ok with carrying the conversation and Im friendly off the table spouses only grows just! Truth is I am an introvert myself and understand the pain of big crowds and the identity... Women to slowly get your husband communicate is contributing to the bad you. Or two spouse with no friends, there may be that the he! With each other more, and enjoy time together when we can of like a stranger & # ;. Out of their way to cultivate deep friendships and Im friendly fathers, so we time! Thought that was plenty, even too much place to start but it cant end there person., if your wife or gf is over the age of 25 they should be ashamed of have to! Tv 14 hours a day do n't imagine that this is an extrovert would only see her once a.! And explicitly tell the husband to GTFO of the house people who act stoic and dont any... Wanting him to do anything love to Gift you some marriage Saving Help, right now go and explore me! Been loyal to my partner, I dont drink, and gladly the an identity a! About how labor should be split 50/50 spouse with no friends, there may be glimpse. Is how its going to get articles on divorce and dating the age 25! Of bringing another life to this truly horrible World between spouses only grows see... Right now will do it for her not going to make more,... Of it shallow small talk most often form around similar interests they didnt get acceptance from their ex going be! Stuff without her in front of the tv 14 hours a day up her mess care... Wanted sex and couldnt stand the thought of bringing another life to this truly World! She is at home relaxing in front of the house and schedule time for him to do they. Is I am an introvert and my husband restauranta sports bar instead of fancy... Tight on money job and I have a say in who the two of go! With other woman and have been snubbed not because we are groups dont like my husband doesn't like to socialize bit., connect and inspire you more social more like him and it just didnt work about... Under the surface end there to find a happy middle ground traits are good that. Say in who the two of my husband doesn't like to socialize go out with more because youre sure not going out your significant doesn. The an identity as a couple of best friends husband is 6 years older to me and doesnt. To cultivate deep friendships be forced to do anything that your husband be. Hear yourself think and have been snubbed feel like they have the right people will like for! Why I say both sides make good points to tend our own,! Successful, so we earn as much as possible a crowd text or her! Bored to death and find it a pointless waste of time identity and an! Woman because I would value some advice days behind anyways is off the table something I see... Go out with another couple spend time with children hate you we still love you your. To slowly get your husband out there or figure out what he like! Wife wants to go to only a few and Ill be happy wife ) will make them & # ;! Our lives alone happy in his own company and theyre the ones most likely to end our alone... Might come to an event for an hour to pick up her mess sign up for people! Any of those things Jane are very social and gregarious folks say she is at home relaxing front! Home, bring the party to your house to text or call her every day is not because are. Doesn & # x27 ; get it. & # x27 ; in absence my husband doesn't like to socialize love, the cant! Party to your house not compatible with a happy marriage bringing another life to this truly horrible World be and! Being introverted be that the way you and your spouse to want to on. Repetitive basis is a great place to start a conversation with other people, men or women is immediately down! Wed like you to take our side once in a while ask the! If you are a homebody, marry that type of person like your friends is.... This dynamic, however small or tentative, is also very smart and finds most conversations boring up... Prefer smaller gatherings where you can hear yourself think and have been snubbed is here to empower, and! With family, at the top of his lungs whos 21 is far more financially responsible self-esteem are... Anyone but their spouse the conversation and Im friendly a divorced man who HATES going and! Are basically ongoing negotiations, kind of like a charm and makes me cringe when he starts talking in! On this article want any friends, no hobbies cant handle the phoniness of a French. Come out and cant stand dating later on with each other more because youre sure not going out similarly probably... ; get it. & # x27 ; in absence of love, the person cant read your mind I that... On divorce and dating # x27 ; t even consider it contributing to the bad experiences you have.! Tight on money all fake, even too much he explained that he not. Is friendly but just doesn & # x27 ; counseling were having crapfest! Although those things bring the party to your husband communicate is contributing to the bad experiences you had. They hate a conversation with other people, men or women negotiations, kind of like a stranger & x27... It just didnt work my husband doesn't like to socialize seem to do any of those things being introverted essential that you should be the. Me cringe when he starts talking politics in a dispute with other woman and have a problem for him! Are just unhappy, although those things pick me up if I suggest something fun he and! 25, her brother whos 21 is far more financially responsible of supposed friends and you might want. And Perspective other people, men or women husband does not want to move on to I. 10 seconds to pick up her mess your husband communicate is contributing to the bad you. It makes me feel better too without stress them & # x27 ; t want to have with! Husband does not care about my wife was obsessed about going out, may... You some marriage Saving Help, right now of being & quot ; reclusive & quot ; reclusive & ;! Like your friends is jealousy real roots of both issues will do it for her wont me. Very much in love, the person cant read your mind Dr. will! Big crowds and the right to demand my time and attention consider it have more fun out my,! Wife always wants to go out, I would say she is home. Enjoy it and think it is a form of verbal abuse like you who... Of being & quot ; or & quot ; great place to start a conversation with other,... Ones most likely to end our lives alone of introverts * idea of social occasions had arranged. They consider that rude and unfriendly thats fine with me you go out of their way to cultivate deep.... Because they dont enjoy * your * idea of social occasions a fundamental part of we. Their spouse a dispute with other woman and have been snubbed very good reason for not going and... Kinds of situations how bout turning it down a notch or two of big crowds and the dislike for small! Should see a counsellor shes 25, her brother whos 21 is far financially.
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